Requiem for a Dream

I'm not perfect. I never have been, and I never will be. Nobody is perfect at what they do; we all make mistakes in one way or another. Some people take only a small amount of time to figure this out and have this fact of reality hit them in the face; others take far too long to realize this to where it ends up damaging friendships beyond repair.

I am among the latter group; I will not deny I have said or done things that have made other people hate me in the past, but we all must remember that haven't we all made such mistakes before? I understand that my friends I have made over the past several years may never forgive me; I'm not expecting them to at all, and at this rate I honestly think it's for the best we keep to our separate ways until some point in the distant future in which we somehow meet each other again after so long.

I am honestly disappointed with myself for my actions and behavior over the past year and a half; despite all of the improvements I may attempt to make over the course of my lifetime as an adult, it's always effectively one step forward, and no less than one step backwards as well. Maybe even no less than two steps backwards, but honestly that sounds like me just wanting to have an excuse for my self-loathing behavior at times. I mean I already model Grandis as an exaggeration of my negative traits, both physically and mentally, so I honestly think I put too my pressure on my mind to blatantly criticize myself without giving me a fair chance to look back on my positives.

Though the problem lies with what exactly is there to even look back on, anyways? Sure, I may have tried my best to become more socially active online, I may have tried to increase my presence on other sites I go to and the communities I join after having been a lurker in new places for so long. Everything positive I did over the past year and a half felt like it wasn't something I had earned at all; I honestly felt like a thief for accepting a gift of three of the four main series Dinotopia books, when I didn't realize until the package arrived that all three are signed copies by James Gurney himself, alongside the other memorabilia that came with the package from this particular fan.

Last year I also had a tendency of asking some of my friends favors, if merely because I had an unhealthy obsession with both wanting to get myself perks in MMOs as well as wanting to support these MMOs at the same time with the micro-transactions I'd often ask for funds for. I was assured by these same people that I was by no means being a pest about it when I ask, but each time I honestly felt like a complete thief for getting these, to which I'm often told to just stop apologizing and I'm simply told I deserve this; why do I deserve to be treated so kindly by these people after everything I've done in the past for some of the communities I've been with them in?

Some things I will never understand as to why I still have the friends I have; some things I will never know as to what'll make us separate for who knows how long. All I do know is that there just happen to be people out there who view me as a very valuable friend in some way or form, being at least partially thankful for my presence, or maybe they just pity me for how pathetic of a person I truly am. In all honesty, I think I need to stop insulting myself the way I do every now and then; often times I go overboard with the self-deprecation to the point it makes me seem far more miserable of a person than I honestly am. Is it a call for attention? I honestly don't know.

All I do know is that treasure everyone you hold dear to you for as long as you can; you may never know who you will miss until they're long gone.